Yet another unorganized post

One more day and the month of August is finished. Also, Eid Ul-Adha is coming. Really! How time flies so quickly! It seems like Ramadan has just finished yesterday. Let’s take the advantage of doing good deeds and increasing our worshipping during the first ten days of the month of Dhul Hijjah. May Allah accept our deeds and May Allah accept the service of the pilgrims that are going for Umrah and Hajj. May Allah make it easy for them to finish their Hajj and keep them safe at all times. May Allah facilitate all Muslims to perform Hajj.  Ameen! Ya Rabb!

I know I have been neglecting my blog lately but I think I have acceptable reasons for that. After I came back from my vacation, I had a lot of things to do at home. I resumed my online classes in Islamic Online University again, for the Free Courses only. I want to finish all the lectures to evaluate myself and see if I will be enrolling myself for the paid courses. Another thing, writing is a little bit difficult for me. I have to exert extra effort to make an article with a sense. HAHA. I don’t even know if I made one. You see, English is not my native language, yes it is my second language but I feel I am still weak with it. I was not even born to be a writer so most of my articles have flight of ideas and so disorganized and I apologize for that. I am not a typical blogger with scheduled posts and everything. I write whenever I feel I want to. I am just me expressing myself, sharing my life experiences and random thoughts and trying to communicate with other people in the world.

But being in this blogging community makes me happy and inspired. I am always skimming through the blogs I follow and read them especially the ones that I can relate to. The time I was feeling bad for myself because I felt my Iman is becoming weak and I was not having the same enthusiasm of learning new things similar to what I have during the first 2 years when I entered Islam, I came across with articles that boosted myself. I love reading comments as well because I can see advices and encouraging words from other Muslims.

By the way, couple of weeks ago, I was invited for a chit-chat with my two friends. They are also reverts like me and our husbands are with the same nationality. I enjoyed their company a lot. It was nice seeing them again and sitting with them. It was a fun evening.

Okay, I lied.

It was not that fun. I almost cried.

Both of them have two children, almost same age. I know that it is natural for mommies to talk and brag about their children and I don’t have any right at all to ruin their happiness and stop them from doing so. But I just felt out of place. They were talking about each of their children’s achievement, I kept quiet. I don’t have any stories to tell. While they were narrating the experiences they had during pregnancy and delivery, all I can narrate is how I am suffering from monthly dysmenorrhea. My tears wanted to get out of  my lacrimal duct and I couldn’t count how many times I pretended to yawn just to let go of some tears. I felt my feet wanted to run away and go home. I had been struggling with this issue before and you can read it here. To finish the story, Yes, I managed to stay with them but when I arrived home,I talked to one of them and told her what I felt and she was feeling sorry for being so insensitive. It’s okay. I have to be strong. I have to learn how to deal with this kind of situation because it is happening most of the time. I just have to keep my faith and believe that I will be a mother eventually in His perfect timing. In shaa Allah.



Oh by the way, is anybody familiar with the novel Anne of Green Gables. My sister recently introduced to me this series “Anne with an E” on Netflix. I watched the first season with 7 episodes. I remember seeing this show in cartoons when I was child. I am such a cry baby. I was crying when I watched it because people are judging her harshly because she’s an orphan and she looks different from them. She has red hair, she’s skinny and pale and they are calling her ugly. Just like in the real world, a lot of people are so racist and a lot of people are judging people according to their skin color. Now I am thankful I don’t have a child yet because Allah doesn’t want him to be hurt and grow up in this cruel world. Anyway, I’m going to get this novel in the bookshop as soon as possible to read it. In shaa Allah.

Thanks for passing by and Eid Mubarak everyone! 💞

 

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Giving up is NOT an option!

It’s been quite some time since I started learning the Arabic Language but I’m still having difficulty. I know I cannot perfect it in an instant but sometimes, or should I say most of the time, I am feeling so hopeless already. Despite the fact that I am married to an Arabic-speaking man, we don’t have enough time to sit and discuss every details of the Arabic Language like a teacher does in school. Besides, I feel bad if I will take his time to take rest after his stressful work. But of course, I know he is more than willing to help me to learn. I can feel his support by providing for me books, computer programs and he is  always ready to answer whenever I have questions. Alhamdulillah.

Basicallly, I am learning this language without a formal class. I started watching videos in YouTube and then I tried to complete the Rosetta Stone, a computer program for learning different languages. I liked it at first but eventually I stopped because I thought it’s better to learn the language with the Qur’anic words because my sole purpose of learning Arabic is to be able to read the Qur’an and understand it. In Shaa Allah.

I am not good in online classes. I feel sleepy and bored. I don’t feel the hype or excitement when no human is around me, moreover, my eyes cannot tolerate to stare in the laptop screen for long time. I tried the Madinah Arabic program in YouTube but unfortunately I was not able to finish it.

I looked for a teacher who I can have a one on one class but it’s a little bit pricey that’s why now I’m back to studying myself online. It’s difficult for me but I don’t have other options. I came to the point when I just cried and felt sad. I felt my tongue just twisted and I was mispronouncing the letters.

I have basic knowledge in Arabic, I can read but in a slow pace. I can write as well but I always have the problem in spelling especially in the long and short vowels. I guess because my native language doesn’t deal with that. I want to increase my vocabulary as well so I can understand the Arabic words that I am reading. In shaa Allah.

I need to organize myself and put more effort in studying the Arabic Language. I feel guilty that I have wasted a lot of time already. I want to know which class best suits me. I have to step my foot forward and stop procrastinating because Allah will question me at the end. Astagfirullah . May Allah forgive me.

I will be so happy to know your studying tips for learning Arabic Language. I know each of us are different but who knows, maybe it will be good for me as well. Guess I have to try and try until I succeed. In shaa Allah.

May Allah increase me in knowledge and make it easy for me in learning the Arabic Language. Ya RAbb!

P.S. Can you mention some fatwa regarding reading the Qur’an along with the reciter from my ipod (a recorded audio) with the intention of getting used to the  words and as a reading practice? Is it permissible or forbidden? Jazakum Allahu Khairan. 

I am from there, he is from here

I am watching the live coverage of the Masjid Al Harram in Makkah while writing this post and I remember the time my husband brought me there after a couple of weeks after our marriage. We didn’t go for honeymoon and travel to the beautiful places and beaches in the world like the newly-wed couple does. Instead, we packed our things and travelled to Makkah for Umrah and paid a visit to Madinah. It was my first time. It was his nth time. He told me, bringing me there is the top in his list after getting married.

We are a product of an interracial marriage. I love my husband unconditionally but differences are inevitable. Most people say that opposites attract, but for me, two people have chemistry because they acknowledge each others differences. They know how to compromise and give way to each other. They respect each other.

My parents didn’t say anything against my marriage but I felt that they were a little bit scared. It’s not that they don’t care for me, to allow me to a such marriage but because I know they trust me. They just advised me to think about the possible consequences before engaging myself in it. Before we got married, we’ve been praying for Istikharra. I believed nobody can tell me what is the right thing to do except Allah.  If this marriage is for the goodness of both of us, He will facilitate everything for us. And He did. Alhamdulillah!

It’s been two years, quiet young I know, and we are still adapting to each other.

He is an Arab, I am not.

Learning Arabic is not only to communicate with my husband but for the main purpose of  being able to read and understand the Holy Qur’an. Unfortunately, until now I am not fluent in speaking Arabic even the slang or colloquial. Many times I was put in the situation when I was with his friend’s wives and I ended up being out of place. Although they tried to talk to me in English, they told me it’s just difficult for them. Well, so it is for me that’s why I’m still trying to learn Arabic.

Since I am a food lover, adapting to their cuisine is never been difficult to me. I love their food especially their sweets.  I tried to learn how to make their meals so I can serve it to my husband. There are times I am craving for my traditional food also so I will end up preparing both cuisines in the same day. We didn’t have issues about food at all because we are not forcing each other, instead we respect each other’s preferences.

For me, one of the advantage of interracial marriage is having the opportunity to learn new  things of different background and different perspective.

Sadly, when the families are not accepting the marriage, it’s making things complicated. When racism occurs, marriage is shaken. And I always have an answer for this. They cannot reject or despise this marriage because this is the will of Allah. This marriage is the fate He has given to these couple. He is the One who facilitated this union. My husband once told me, if Allah doesn’t want us to get married, it will not be facilitated even if we try every possible way. And I agree. Do you?

I am not getting what I want

 

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Alhamdulillah (الحمد لله)

“All praise is due to Allah”

I must admit I had a bad habit before. I usually throw up tantrums when I don’t get what I want. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth but I didn’t feel that I was deprived of the necessary things I needed in my life either. Due to my innocence, May Allah forgive me, I usually feel bad when I don’t get the dress that I want, the toys, the shoes, the bags, all the worldly things. Everything that matters to me is to have this materialistic things to feel that I am better.

I will be lying if I will say that I don’t want any of these things now. Yes I do still want to have a good laptop, a good phone, a nice bag, nice jewelries and girly stuffs but this time, I learned to be contented and satisfied with what I have.

This time, I learned how to say Alhamdulillah

Saying Alhamdulillah is not enough at all unless you totally accept it in your heart. Accept that we cannot have everything in this world and accept that we are more than luckier to have what we have now in our hands compare to other people.

I may not have LV, MK, CH, P, G, B or bags that most of the girls are drooling at but Alhamdulillah, I have bags good enough to hold my stuffs.

I may not have expensive shoes but Alhamdulillah, I am blessed enough not to walk with bare feet.

I may not have branded clothes but Alhamdulillah, I have something to wear to cover myself and warm me during winter.

I may not have tasted the fancy foods but Alhamdulillah, I have food to put in my mouth.

I may not have a huge house but Alhamdulillah, I have a home with my husband  to keep us safe and provide shelter for us.

These are just the few things I am grateful of.

And among these blessings, the most I am grateful for is the gift of Islam. Alhamdulillah!

It is impossible for me to count all the blessings that I am receiving from the Most Generous, The Provider, The All-Giving Creator, Allah.

Somebody told me, being satisfied with what Allah has given you now is to show that you are grateful  with everything He has given. Be happy with what you have no matter what it is  because every small thing is a gift from Allah. 

And how about the things I want but I am not getting? Still, I am saying Alhamdulillah!

Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise. I believe He knows what is the best for me. I may have plans but He has greater plans for me. And trusting Allah completely is making it easy for me to accept everything and live with what He has provided for me.

What happened to my career may not be the one I planned, but I believe Allah is preparing me for something greater than being a nurse. And I will make use of this time that He has given me to do things that pleases Him.

Don’t lose hope.

Keep the faith.

Keep on praying.

Allah is All-Hearing.

Getting Over It

Many people say you cannot achieve the ultimate womanhood unless you will experience the beauty of carrying a child in your tummy for nine months and finally delivering them to this world. But how about the women who were not blessed enough to be able to get pregnant, or those who get pregnant but unfortunately had miscarriages? I hope all women come to recognize that there are other function of womanhood other than child bearing.

I know most of the woman wants to experience the indescribable feeling of being a mother. I am guilty of this. The excitement from the first time seeing your pregnancy test with a positive result, the check-up days with your OB, the unexplainable food cravings, changes in the body and finally delivering their offsprings safely and as healthy as they can be. And bringing them into the world is the just the beginning of everything. The amazing mothers now will be engaged in the battle of motherhood. The battle where they will be suffering and sacrificing things for their children and the victory cannot be claimed in the short period of time – Being a mother is a lifetime responsibility.

I know these things because of my profession and I just have heard and seen these a million times from my friends who got pregnant, delivered and are raising their children. I haven’t experienced any of it at all. Unfortunately. Sadly. Depressingly. Devastatingly.

When people starts asking “Why are you not getting pregnant?” “When are you going to be pregnant?”, I just want to disappear. I got married two years ago, I was 28. My husband and I tried but always failing. I came to the point of getting depressed. Whenever my monthly period will come, I will be bursting into tears. When I will be reading news bout children being abused, being aborted and being neglected, I feel so much hurt and so mad at the same time. There are times I will stare at the children playing outside wishing one of them is mine. I was on the edge of breakdown.

And how did I get over it?

Alhamdullilah (Praises for Allah) my husband is very supportive of me. He did not ever make me feel of becoming less a woman just because I am not getting pregnant. He is always trying to cheer me up and give advices whenever I have these self-pity moments and depression, and I tell you, it happens every month then.

The secret of acceptance is the key how I am managing to keep calm every month that I know I am not pregnant. I trust Allah more than anything. I believe that He will give it to me in His perfect timing. Everything happens for a reason. Instead of looking in the negative things, I am focusing myself on the blessings I am receiving. If I am not blessed to be a mother now, at least  I am blessed to be a wife to my wonderful husband. I am happy taking care of my husband and giving my full time to him. I’m trying to learn new things and keep myself busy. This is just one of the challenges I have to face. My patience and faith is being tested in this issue. I am praying that May Allah give me a stronger and understanding heart to accept things easily. In shaa Allah. (God Willing)